SHOULD SHE KEEP THIS ARDENT PURSUER OR FLEE FROM HIM AND HIS BARBED TOUNGE?

Question For Missy!

Hi Missy,

I find myself thinking of my boyfriend, let's call him Pierre, all the time.  But what I'm pondering really is if I should just accept that he has an odd personality trait and love him without reservation or run fleeing from him while I'm still not that involved with him.  I mean, am I being petty?

We met about seven years ago. I dated him knowing he was in the process of relocating for his work. It was hard saying goodbye. Then we tried a mostly phone relationship for about a year, but broke up after a fight on the phone.  Neither of us called each other back after that.  In my opinion he was making light of a situation I was in at the time that felt very threatening to me and was sort of bragging to me about how he, in the same situation, would handle it so much better. 

He returned to this city a year and a half ago and went looking for me.  I resisted getting involved again but then he found me.  A couple months ago we had a long conversation and he made it clear he was still interested in me and wanted another go of it. 

See it seems that every time and I mean EVERY TIME I get together with him he manages to say something that is a bit provocative or that upsets me enough to keep thinking about it later, things which he thinks are funny or teasing sometimes, but I'm not laughing.  On a cab ride home recently, for which I was paying, I was talking to the driver, and he began to correct me.  I told him not to tell me who to talk to or what to say. 

I don't want to go into personal details about my finances so he says things to get me to tell him more.  At first when he quietly asked me if I was "living alone" I thought he wanted to find out if I was living with someone, if I was available.  But lately the question of how it is that I can afford what I have has come with his insinuation that I have a sugar daddy or am a mistress.  The other day he came up to me where I was sitting waiting for him at the park where we agreed to meet to jog, bent to my ear, but loud enough for others to hear he said "I finally got it.  You have a Sugar Daddy!"  I shook my head vigorously, more because I thought "When will he stop?" more than that I'd never.  

I felt embarrassed. 

He also, at a lunch, tried to calmly lay my finances out on the table by first talking about his tax refund and then saying "How do you make it, since you don't work!"  It's true I don't have a regular job working for one company or employer, but for years now I've been one of those small business people who has more than one stream of income including an Etsy Shop!  I explained to him part of what I do weeks ago and showed him some of my crafts I sell. I've never made a lot of money and am rent poor, but I've also been proud of my independence.

Thinking maybe he was hinting around for me to be generous to him, I told him a few things that might make the point that I have to be careful with my money.  I told him I had been shoe shopping a lot lately and hadn't found anything that I liked, that fit well, and that I could afford.  The next time I saw him I was wearing the new boots I finally selected and he noticed them and said "Are those throw aways?" 

Every single time we have a date, be it that we go out somewhere or we have dinner at my place he manages to say or do something that is odd, provocative, or inappropriate.

Your opinion Please!

Paula

Answer From Missy!

OK Paula, we can cut right through his nonsense with this.  This man is a VEXATION TO YOUR SPIRIT.  He has to go.  He is TBA  (TO BE AVOIDED!)  He certainly is testing you with his barbs, jests, teases, whether it's with comments others can hear or things he says to you when alone. Maybe he is insensitive or ignorant to how he's coming off or making you feel, BUT YOU DO FEEL IT!

Maybe he is trying to determine how much money you have to bring into a relationship with him, whether or not he would have to support you or if you can support him.

He may be manipulating your emotions and if you're confused about your values, that makes it worse for you.  Some people just like to suck information out of others for the game of it.  They are even willing to pretend you've just made a Close Personal Friend whose Secrets are Safe With Them... 

You CAN have secrets from others, just not from yourself, Paula!

I admire that you have Independence and work you enjoy.  A lot of people would envy you for that.  So use your independence to get out there and meet someone else. A man doesn't have to be a Sugar Daddy or Keep you to have a generous spirit, to be nice to you,  to be sensitive to your feelings, and you don't even get this guys jokes, so tell Pierre you want to be free.

Missy