SHE CAN'T MOVE IN BECAUSE HIS MILLENIAL CHILDREN WON'T MOVE OUT (and HE WON'T MAKE THEM) : QUESTION FOR MISSY

Question:


Hi Missy,

I'm a hardworking woman in her mid forties who put herself through higher education, earned a Master's degree, and make a decent salary.  Bart is fifteen years older than me and has two Millennial children he had late in life and who he sent to college.  They went away to school, graduated, started careers, and moved back in.  I love Bart but there is no progress in our relationship.  He won't move in with me in my much smaller house.  He won't tell his children they really need to get moving and live as adults on their own.  We need the room for our relationship.  Bart's wife died a few years before I met him.

I think of myself as a Mistress sort of because though I make decent money, he provides the extras that make life exciting and truly well lived.  I've never tried to replace his wife as the mother of his children.  They seem to like me well enough.  What's with this Millennial generation?  What should I do?


Sandy
Michigan


ANSWER BY MISSY:


Hi Sandy!

The cost of living is a factor and so is that, just as you have the extras that make life exciting and truly well lived because of Bart's generous nature, so do his children. (And that cost of living and need to pay for a college education is one of the reason some Millennial's become Mistresses!) I feel sorry for the generation that remains dependent on parents though intelligent and well educated and at the start of careers because they cannot afford to move out due to the cost of living. I truly believe that the experience of independent living is important for everyone, especially before marriage. But I bet these children can afford to move out and live on their own, at least with housemates, and just do not want to for other reasons too, such as remaining family though their mom is gone.  If Bart is truly wealthy, I think it would be a good idea if he bought them a house they can live in separate of him as their inheritance, or left the house that he raised them in with his wife to them and bought a separate house for the two of you.

So I do wonder if Bart really wants to move his relationship forward into living together or legal marriage at this time or not.  It sounds like you've talked about it and are frustrated with him.
I also wonder about your house. Is it the place that you two spend most of your time?  Have sex? Depending on your own financial situation, you might want to talk to Bart about selling it and buying a home together, though I generally think such a house should be purchased by a couple only after legal marriage, or if meant to be the residence of the Mistress, put in her name only.

By the way, Millennials not moving out and into fully independent lives, and parents who allow this also keep couples who might want to divorce married.  Any man who wants a mistress and still has healthy, educated, adult children at home, has a special obstacle to that goal.


Missy

LUCKY IN LOVE

NATIONAL GALLERY OF ART and the JACKSON POLLOCK CONNECTION

NATIONAL GALLERY OF ART

Andrew W. Mellon became one of the world's richest men and as a philanthropist began the National Gallery of Art.  His son Paul and Paul's wife Bunny continued their patronage and philanthropy of the art museum, a gift to our nation.

A tie in here at Mistress Manifesto is the art of Jackson Pollock, as in September 2012 his Mistress Ruth Kligman, also an artist, was our Mistress of the Month.  Use the Google search feature on the side bar for that month or posts about Pollock or Kligman!

LET IT BE ME - THE EVERLY BROTHERS

HORSESHOE

JOHN EDWARDS and RIELLE HUNTER and BUNNY MELLON

Back in 2008 the John Edwards- Rielle Hunter affair was the end of his candidacy for President of the United States.  Meryl Gordon's book on Bunny Mellon dedicates much of Part 17, Chapter 25 begins the details of Bunny's involvement in helping candidate Edwards hide his mistress Rielle who was pregnant with his child, from the American public through donations that clearly went beyond the campaign limits, though Bunny claimed not to know what happened to the money to a point or that this candidate who she loved and felt could be the next John F. Kennedy, had a mistress. 

Probably the reason Bunny remained unpunished was that she was 95 years old when she was so sure that Edwards would be the next president - and should be - since she was a patriotic liberal Democrat - and deserved the money for "personal expenses"  and a couple years closer to 100 when the game was over. Andrew Young was so willing to do anything to help his candidate win that after the 2006 meeting of Rielle and John that began their affair, he collaborated with a scheme to funnel money to Edwards. Young eventually even claimed to be the father of Rielle's child.

Edward's wife Elizabeth battled breast cancer at the time and as a result she got all the sympathy.  How could Edwards have an affair when his faithful wife she fought for her life?

Edwards hired Rielle to produce campaign videos for him and continued to pop up to see him on the campaign trail. 

The way around the campaign donations limit was, according to Gordon's book, sneaky fun for Bunny.  She was paying the living expenses for Rielle, thus keeping her so Edwards would not have to, by sending checks that were supposed to be for the purchase of antiques and furniture to one person who then routed the money to Young and to Young's wife's bank account.

The National Enquirer broke the story of the affair and then the "love child," and terminally ill Elizabeth separated from her husband.  Edwards only admitted the truth about his dual life after Andrew Young's book was ready to hit the shelves. In my opinion, he made a mess of things by continually lying to the public with his wife at his side, denying everything, though I can understand he at least didn't want to publically humiliate her.

Bunny's checks were monthly and for increasing amounts - $175,000,  $200,000 - and were not for the campaign itself.  Well, the FBI became involved.  Bunny said that she had no problem with a man having a mistress, nor did she think having a mistress would make a man less eligible for candidacy, but she thought a man should afford his mistress on his own.

Because Edwards and Bunny had become friends, frequently speaking on the phone, he and his daughter imagined they would be welcome to her funeral - but they were relegated to an overflow tent.


* Rielle Hunter is a self made woman who changed her name from Lisa Jo Druck and is said to have made the first pass at Edwards.

ANDREW W. MELLON (PAUL'S FATHER) WAS THE SOURCE OF THE MONEY BUNNY MARRIED INTO

MELLON ORG - History of ANDREW MELLON (PAUL'S FATHER)

The image below is from Wikipedia.

AS LUCK WILL HAVE IT

DORCAS HARDIN OBITUARY in THE WASHINGTON POST

Makes no mention of Paul Mellon...WASHINGTON POST - January 20 2006 DORCAS HARDIN


EXCERPT: "Known for her sunny personality and her sense of style, Mrs. Hardin was described in a 1949 Washington Post article as the "best dressmaker designer" in the city. In 1954, when it was difficult to come by designer clothing in Washington stores, she decided to open an exclusive dress shop that would cater to the city's prominent women.

Her small, tony boutique, called Dorcas Hardin, opened on Dumbarton Avenue in 1954. She carried clothing by designers Bill Blass, Oscar de la Renta, Ben Zuckerman, James Galanos and Pauline Trigere at a time when their creations were otherwise available only in New York."


A note: Bunny outlived Dorcas

RARING TO GO

DORCAS HARDIN - MISTRESS OF BILLIONAIRE PAUL MELLON

 This is a picture of Bunny Mellon on the cover of a book about her that includes husband Paul Mellon's mistress, Dorcas Hardin, who was well known on the Washington, DC social scene at the time.

DORCAS HARDIN is the most known of billionaire philanthropist, art collector, and horse breeder and racer Paul Mellon's mistresses. Mellon is estimated to have been worth at least 3.3 billion in today's money. Known to not have been faithful to his first wife, Mary, and to have had at least one other special friend, after Mary died of an asthma attack, Bunny, in a troubled first marriage herself, decided to pursue Paul. Her advantage was that she and her husband, Stacey, who had joined up to be part of the early OSS, living in Great Britain in World War II, already knew him, socialized with them. They had all been friends friends, living around horse and hunt country events.  Bunny and Stacey put in 17 years of marriage before their physical separation lead to the end of their marriage.

Bunny had an extraordinary life.  An heiress herself, of the Listerine fortune, she attended Foxcroft School, an American finishing school for girls destined for great marriages and motherhood.  Bunny was a self taught gardener, landscape designer, and horticulturist, who is most known for the White House Rose Garden and arranging the flowers for President John F. Kennedy's funeral.  She and Jackie Kennedy, became friends before Jackie was the First Lady of the United States and Bunny was there at her bedside when Jackie died.  The two women were both Francophiles. Though she became famous as an important gardener and Paul Mellon's wife, much of her life she chose to be surrounded in rather reclusive luxury. Though Bunny and Paul "blindsided" her first husband Stacey with their intent to marry, she remained friendly with this man, the father of her children, throughout her life. And so through this book by author Meryl Gordon, we learn much about the wife who knew her husband had Dorcus Harding as a mistress, and in old age protected candidate John Edwards, who had Rielle Hunter as his mistress.

Paul Mellon did not mention Dorcas Harding in his memoir and Bunny did not mention in hers either!

Bunny Mellon believed there was no reason to fuss over "girlfriends." She thought all powerful men had them, yet reportedly was deeply hurt to know Paul had Dorcas as a Mistress. Paul Mellon remained married to Bunny.  When he died in old age, Bunny invited Dorcas to the funeral and Dorcas declined; their society friends thought both showed their integrity that day. So Bunny invited Dorcas' children to the funeral, as she believed this is what Paul would want. (And it's unsaid if they attended.)

Bunny Mellon knew that her own father had "escapades," and that Paul had not been faithful to his first wife.  So you could say she went into marriage with him with her eyes open.  Was it his money that she wanted?  Paul Mellon was much richer and more than man of the world than her first husband and his wealth allowed her to perfect gardens and homes.  Exactly how much time apart does a couple have to put in to be considered leading "separate lives?"  Early in their marriage they had four children to raise in their household together.  But children grow up and move away.  After five years of marriage they almost had a bust up.  Bunny offered to take her two children and move away.  Paul wanted to remain married.

Paul and Bunny had some things in common, some things not.  Her early love of riding horses ended after a fall, and he continued to breed and race horses. She stopped traveling with him to horse events. He complained about her uncontrolled spending but kept letting her. Perhaps Paul and Bunny didn't realize that it was understood by others that their marriage wasn't wonderful.  It took gossip and society columns to hint at the relationship Paul had with Dorcas to concern Bunny.

Here is what is known about Dorcas.  She attended events like art show openings at the National Gallery of Art.  When Paul Mellon's father died, the National Gallery of Art, a gift to the nation, became a primary concern to him. A gift of 126 paintings and 26 sculptures began the Mellon collection there.  Bunny attended some of these events at his side.
.
Dorcas was somewhat deaf and Paul took to talking loud to her and then would come home to Bunny talking too loud.  Bunny admitted to Paul that she knew about Dorcas, but tried to downplay her importance to Paul among her friends.  Dorcas ran a designer dress boutique in the D.C. area and in her relationship with Paul was gifted some good jewelry. He liked to buy Dorcas jewelry, especially large stones of semi precious gems.  She liked the semi precious stones topaz and tourmaline.

Part 10, Chapter 17... A society column mentioned that Dorcas Hardin of Georgetown and Paul Mellon had been to the races, she in his front row box, together.  She was called a bright, gay, and "flame haired" woman.  Dorcas Hardin actually was quite the woman.  Only a year younger than Bunny, she was hardly the stereotypical showgirl Mistress.  She owned a dress shop frequented by wealthy women and was a widow.  Part 11 Chapter 18... a Walter Winchell column suggested that after 20 years of marriage Paul and Bunny were heading for divorce, while a Suzy Column out of Palm Beach reported their marriage was solid.  (This was about 1968.)

Part 11, chapter "Paul and Bunny In Love With Others," is perhaps the most telling of author Meryl Gordons book.  After Paul, always so discreet and a gentleman always in public, admitted to a friend who had a girlfriend that he did too, the two couples started going out with each other in London.

Then their friends tried to figure out exactly when Paul and Dorcas had begun.  Was it 1966 or earlier? Overall, it was suspected that their relationship was "more sensual" than what Paul had with Bunny.  Then "everyone" knew and they knew it wasn't just a midlife crisis but that Paul Mellon was in love. 

Though Bunny may have also taken a lover or had emotional ties to other men, none of them had threatened her marriage. (Maybe because one or so were gay?) Bunny allowed Paul his freedom.  She continued to buy homes, renovate, decorate, and create amazing gardens throughout her life.  Without his money this would not have been possible.  She was greatly concerned that Paul have his creature comforts and he appreciated the efforts she made to orchestrate these homes.  How much time they actually lived together in them is a serious question that remains unanswered.

According to the author, Paul Mellon's relationship with Dorcas Hardin was a "second marriage" simultaneous with the first.   Dorcas and Paul met in Washington D.C. as well as hotels in New York and London, and at public events, Dorcas an attendee, they kept at a distance.
Still, Paul took his son to dinners with Dorcas every Tuesday.

Since her marital situation was now an open secret, Bunny tried not to appear defensive and told her friends she knew and didn't want them to feel sorry for her.  She claimed that she wished Dorcas "luck" with Paul in bed, blaming him for the lack of their intimacy.

Since Dorcas had partially lost her hearing and Paul took to speaking loudly for her, he'd come home still speaking too loudly and Bunny would say "You don't have to yell, you're HOME now!"

There were some awkward encounters. 

Dorcas' daughter was a photographer who covered some social events and had to photograph Paul and Bunny at National Art Gallery events.

Besides good company, a more sensual relationship, and so on, Paul loved spoiling Dorcas with jewelry.  In New York he would send her to look at jewelry, and then come later to find out what she admired, buy it, and have it sent to his nome in D.C. where he would give it to her.

Dorcas had her fans in society, who thought of her as unassuming, unpretentious, smart and beautiful. 

In the end, as is usually the case it seems with wives, Bunny triumpled financially over Dorcas, as Paul continued to honor her spending and was also generous in his will, though she did have to cut back significantly in her old age,letting staff go, which she hated.  And Dorcas?  She lived to be 94 years old and died in 2006.  Her Washington Post obituary doesn't mention Paul Mellon.

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 ***  During the World War II era, it was reported to Bunny that Pamela Churchill, married to Winston Churchill's son, was possibly "a girl of Mr. Harriman and Jock Whitney."  I thought I would mention this as Pamela Churchill is sometimes called "The Courtesan of the 20th Century."